Well, here we are again. There are no more circles, there is nothing but an astoundingly broken heart. Everything I thought was real has turned out to be so wrong. Everything I fought so hard for these past 3 years has been for nothing, because I wasn't fought for in the least.  I was lied to, I was cheated on, and I was left without answers to my questions. 

Last night, I learned that I had until July to be out of this house. July. A month and a half to move three lives, a whole houseful of things. In learning that, I learned that no one wanted us to fix our marriage....not even him. I am being forced out of the house I made into a home, and I don't even have a say. Right now, it's coming from all angles. He won't fight for us and now we're being pushed apart knowing that when we separate...it will really be our end. There won't be any going back. 

I guess there isn't much I can say. I fought for 3 years, I loved with all I had, I supported, appreciated, I let it be known to the world that my love was unconditional and limitless. I do this after the second chance where I was called, and I was missed, and I was promised it would never be this way again. We got married and I got so comfortable, believing that he would never break what we had. I was wrong. I find out I was lied to for more than 2 weeks. I was lied to for over 3 years about her. He tries to tell me his level of commitment was never that high. He MARRIED me. I was cheated on. I thought I did everything right. I was so convinced it would never happen to me. I should have known better. 

I love him so much. GAH I love him so much. I know that I'm never going to find a love like that again. I knew that it was real. It was so real. Every day I'll be reminded and still broken, and there's nothing I can do. Choices were made, and I had no say. How can you give someone everything just to have it broken? With the knowing you were broken to begin with.... With the knowing that every, 'I love you', it was meant a little more. How can someone know how fragile you are, and still toss you to the side and wait for the shatter... 

So what's the next step, you ask? I try my damnedest to compose myself. I wipe my tears away constantly. I pack up three lives, a houseful of things, and I move back to Kansas. I move back to the big two story house that I grew up in, the one surrounded by 10 acres of land to play on. I will fix this house in every way I can, I will make it an amazing home for these boys. I move knowing that I can never get back what I had. I move knowing that this love was the last. 

Choices were made, and I had no say. 

I've thought about the several ways that I could write this. I've thought about the words that I would say and the emotions that would bleed through.  None of it will ever be right. So, I'm just going to go with the truth in the words I know how to use best. 

Right now, I am irreversibly broken. I am at the lowest point that I have been in my life, and I would say that in my life I have had to deal with some very serious situations and moments of weakness and vulnerability. Two years ago, I went through a miscarriage and a breakup within the same week, and I can tell you now that this feeling is much worse than that. 

I've spent the last 3 years and 3 months of my life completely devoted to a person. I gave him all the love that I had in my heart, and for those that have known me for longer...you know that my capacity to love is limitless. My ability to give myself to a person fully was exacerbated by my intense and real love for him...so every piece of me was given away in the process. I became so consumed by the love that I had that I became completely blind to reality in the process.  I became blind to me, I became blind to everything except what was right in front of me.  Unfortunately, the thing that was right in front of me was blinding me too. 

I've been married for 4 1/2 months. It's been such a beautiful 4 months, and I had spoken of my happiness in a true and honest way. I was happy, I thought we were both happy. I thought we were the strongest we had been in our entire relationship. I had people tell me how happy we were together and how happy it made them to see us that way.  I had vacations planned, we had babies planned, we had our whole lives laid out in front of us. Everything. He was the father to my children, he was the love of my life, he was my absolute everything. The best part of my day was getting to have him come home and kiss me and talk to me about how his day had gone. The best part of my day was being able to lay with him and enjoy his company because we were finally married and we finally made all of those years of ups and downs worth it. We were amazing. 

A couple of days ago, everything changed. Everything. I learned that I was not the only woman in his life presently, that someone from his past had contacted him and that he didn't refuse that contact. This individual was married as well, so in this process...two marriages were affected. I learned that everything that I knew was done and over with. I learned that the love of my life had changed his mind on me again. I learned that I wasn't enough for him. I learned that the boys weren't enough for him. That our family and everything we had worked so hard to fight for just wasn't enough. I learned that the past has the ability to infiltrate the present and ruin the future. I learned that I wasn't the love that I thought I was to him. I'm not a bird. I'm a puppet. A blind puppet. 

I speak through sadness, through anger, through a completely destroyed psyche. He told me that he always felt like he was trying to keep up with how much I loved him. He said that it wasn't fair to me. He said that he never really got over her - but their relationship was 5 or so years ago and they don't know each other now. They were so young and now think that whatever they've been talking about is real and more than an infatuation. I know it isn't. I just know it isn't. I know she was unhappy and spread her unhappiness to him and made him doubt everything that we had worked hard for. That's what I know, and right now....she has him blinded. She took my husband. She took my world, and he let it happen. He broke me. He broke my children who loved him like I did. 

I love him. I love him in a way that I will never again love someone in my life. I gave him all that I had to give, and you can't get something like that back from a person. It just doesn't happen. I wish he could love me like I love him. I wish he could see that she could never have the capacity to love him like I do. But what we had has been broken, and after being through it twice...I know logically that there is no going back. Logically, I know that we are irreversibly broken and cannot be fixed. I've had such beautiful moments with him, with our family, and I will never in my life forget them. I felt a love that I know can never, ever in my life happen again. It was world spinning, goosebump inducing, breathtaking, and up until just a short time ago...the sound of his name still brought a familiar curl to my lips. I know that every day for the rest of my life I will be reminded by him with one look in the mirror, with a photo taken of me, with the sight of my skin. He is permanently marked on my skin and in my heart and I cannot change that. I had forever in my heart. I thought he did too. 

What I won't do is make any decisions for months. Neither of us are in the right frame of mind for those decisions to be made, as there is a big smoke cloud in the air right now. I will stay here. I will be an amazing mother to my children and love them as they should be loved. They will know this has nothing to do with them and that it isn't their fault that those promises were so horribly broken. 

What gets me is that I was brought back into the church by someone who doesn't care what God has to say right now.  Into the church that she brought him to. Vows were broken, promises were broken, infidelity, lies. I've been such a good person. I feel like I deserve the love I give. I deserve the respect that I give. I deserve the person he should have been. 

I deserve happiness for me, and happiness for my children. 

I had an unrequited love. I will never be in this position again. My children love me. Love without limits. I will live free, and I will love always. I promise Aiden and Conley that, and I will every day. 

Ever since the full physical I received at the end of December, I've been dealing with repeated blood testing in dealing with a few issues.  The first panel revealed that my white blood cell count was high, my TSH level was high (indicating hypothyroidism), and my iron levels were through the roof. I was fairly positive that my WBC count was high due to an infection in my mouth, which is what pushed the issue of my wisdom teeth being removed as fast as possible.  All of the body symptoms of infection left shortly after I was done healing, and I was positive the count would be back to normal.  I believe that my thyroid goes through periods of dipping and spiking, because I've had it tested a few times before and one time it was abnormal, and one time it was normal.  It's really a toss up on what the test is going to say.  The iron levels is something that genuinely concerned me, because nothing in my diet or lifestyle could cause my iron or saturation levels to be THAT high (the saturation on my first test was 75, with normal being around 45). 

Three months later, I went back in for another draw and another full panel that concentrated on those three aspects. My WBC count was normal, which I suspected it would be. My TSH levels were in the normal ranges, but still on the high side of things. My iron was still abnormally high. 

This past Tuesday, I went back to the doctor and pretty much just had a sit down conversation with him about what all of this meant. He started out explaining things he would to any regular person, and when I started finishing his sentences and explaining to him what I knew about everything..he stopped and thanked me for being educated on what was going on and understanding how the body works (I did pass Anatomy&Physiology as well as Pathology with flying colors). From there, he explained that due to the extremely high levels of iron in my blood...there were few possible explanations as to why. I don't take iron supplements, at most I take a One-a-Day vitamin or Supercomplex B vitamins. My diet wouldn't have an impact on it, even with the amount of greens I eat. This is when he brings up Hemochromatosis.  

I had already looked it up, and told him what I knew about it. I also told him that I had already asked my dad if he had ever had any iron issues (to which he didn't know, because it isn't a routine test unless someone is anemic). Hemochromatosis is essentially where the body abnormally stores iron in the liver, pancreas, and heart (sometimes also affecting the kidneys). It normally goes undiagnosed until the liver has already suffered the punishment of cirrhosis, the heart goes into congestive heart failure, your kidneys fail, or your pancreas stops functioning and you get diabetes. Iron overload has also been linked to an increased chance of cancer, as cancer cells thrive on iron in the blood. In men, it's normally caught between the ages of 30 and 50. In women, after menopause since the monthly cycle removes iron naturally. Right now...I'm safe, though with my saturation levels being consistently high there's also a very high chance I've already incurred some damage to my liver. 

So after the discussion we had, he ordered a Hemochromatosis GenoType test that will show if I have the gene.  The results should be back in a week or so, and he said it's nothing I should be worried about. If I have it, then we know it's something that will have to be controlled - primarily through blood draws (which I can donate! yay). I may have to do it once or twice a week until I'm at a normal level, and then at least 6 times a year after that. I'm totally fine with that, I'll be a Red Cross hero.  On the other hand, if the test comes back and it shows that I DON'T have it...I'll have to get a liver biopsy. The biopsy will show how much iron has already been stored in my liver (if any), and also function.  I guess I'm not entirely worried about the biopsy at this point, though I know I should be.  Having an internal organ poked with a really long needle doesn't REALLY sound like a good time. 

We'll see what happens. Either way, I'll have to get my iron and thyroid levels tested again in a few months to monitor where they are. I know that I ABSOLUTELY want to make sure my thyroid function is taken care of before I get pregnant. I don't want my body to fail me again. 

Speaking of...I guess it's probably time I get an OBGYN. ha!

I do not now, more than ever, need negative people in my life. I don't need people that have issues with my life, including the way I raise my kids or my relationship with my husband. 

For the first time in my life I feel genuinely happy, and for someone to tell me that our friendship dissolved because of the changes I made in myself...it's unnecessary. For someone to tell me that the relationship I have with my husband is unhealthy, is unnecessary. He doesn't beat me, he's not emotionally controlling or abusive, he's not an addict, and he [for the most part] shows his appreciation and love for me on a daily basis. 

Do we have rough days? Every married couple does, but we tend to help each other when it comes to bad days the way a healthy couple should. Right now, we're dealing with some emotional stresses - but it has nothing to do with our relationship. I can't help that work has affected everything else, I can just help where I can and hope it leaves as fast as it came on. 

I'm taking a few days to reevaluate every "friendship" that I have. I have a feeling I will end up losing a lot of "friends", but in the end I think I'll be better for it. I started loving my life, and it started to love me back. I started feeling positive about life, and my life became positive. I actually asked a few friends that have personally known me for years if they thought I have changed in bad ways over the last few years. These people would never lie to me, sugar coat things, or say something just to make the conversation go away. The answers were no. Yes, I've changed, but I'm still me. 

If people can't see that and respect the person I am now or respect my husband - that person was never a friend. 

For someone to bring up a very, VERY painful memory, is unforgivable. That pain never leaves, and I never want to have to re-live it again. A FRIEND would never bring it up, and especially in that manner. I'm actually at a loss for even thinking someone would be capable of bringing that kind of memory back up.

The point is: I'm clearly a "different" person, and yes I've changed - but to my core I'm still Kat. I'm still ME, and I always will be. I love and respect my husband, and I consider his feelings in things that I say and do because that's how we are. Respect me, my family, and my husband...or lose me as a friend. I deal with enough people not liking my attitude to deal with my friends turning their backs on me.  

This week marks 21 weeks since my journey began to lose weight, start being healthier, and most importantly...to tone up the things that I didn't like. 

I've had to deal with sickness, recovery from surgery, flu, schedules with working out, and any other little thing that you can imagine - but I've tried my best to stick with my healthy meals, increased intake of water, and overall healthy way of living. 

At this point, I weigh 112lbs (as of this morning), which is a great weight for me even though I fluctuate up/down. I believe my highest fluctuation has been 116, and that can also have to do with monthly cycles and the fact that I just got over the flu. 116 is going to be my limit, and I know that as long as my clothes still fit...it's just a number on a scale. It does help me keep on track though. 

We've skipped the last week of Insanity due to me recovering from the flu and J's work schedule being a little on the crazy side again. I've been doing core workouts in the morning, and I still feel like it helps me. I still have some definition that I'd like to achieve in my abdomen, and I know that the majority of that is what I'm eating. I think I need to boost my metabolism again, but we'll see if I can get that going!

It's been 21 weeks, and I feel great about myself. I tried to get decent pictures this morning, but it's dark and cloudy and none of the lighting was being nice to me....so....you get this. They're grainy, but you get the point!